In many cases dating is not done out of a desire to meet a certain type of person but rather as a way to escape the pain of loneliness. This is understandable because human connection is a need and you really can’t get away from it. But you also can’t get away from the need for solitude. Even in healthy relationships you are going to want to be alone sometimes. But we don’t consider ourselves lonely in these settings. Why?
If I know I have plans to see a girl on Friday I can spend all week cooped up in my room coding and still feel like I have a social life. Even if I spend all weekend with that woman the majority of my week has still been spent alone. I like it that way. It’s impossible to code with all the noise and other crud the world throws at you. So, we can see from this example that loneliness is not a matter of how many hours you spend with others.
Maybe we need another lens for this puzzle to begin to unravel itself. I think that loneliness has a depth aspect. You can know many people but not have known them well enough to feel connected. So you may feel lonely because you don’t have anyone to be vulnerable with who you can trust. But what is vulnerability? Is it an admission of sin or some fault? Is it the ability or right to say something weak? I can do that here.
So, maybe loneliness is complicated. Maybe it’s something that we feel. It’s a pressure like hunger to sign up for silly social clubs and do stuff with random people in the hopes that we find friends. In many ways that’s a healthy drive. There was a time not long ago when I had forgotten how to need others. In the depths of my Adderall addiction, I had forgotten the utter joy of companionship and friendship.
As I write this post I am moving through a breakup. I knew that I was not happy with my partner a few months before I made the decision to end it. I was deeply connected to her. I was also afraid of being alone. But I have decided that loneliness is a better option that lying to myself. I wrote this website as a way of processing this exact fear of loneliness. On a fundamental level, I want a function that allows me to put in effort and return love and connection.
love = myHeart(partner, effort, care)