It’s all too easy to harbor negative views of the opposite sex. This is especially true if you’ve experienced a lot of rejection or have been hurt by a member of the opposite sex. In addition, humans bring their existing biases into every relationship. If you had an abusive mother for example you will struggle to trust women through no fault of your own. That being said, the gentleman – and by extension the pickup artist – must be able to maintain healthy and objective views of women.
You begin to see that girls, no matter how pretty, are still just trying to pay rent and make it to Friday.
What is a view of the opposite sex? It sounds like a comical or sarcastic question but it’s crucial to define. A view is the set of assumptions as well as fears and expectations you bring into every conversation with women in which you are interested romantically. For example, a view of a woman may include the following dimensions.
Figure 1 – Example View of an attractive woman
- Assumptions
- She speaks English
- She is heterosexual
- She has an easy time meeting men
- Fears
- She’s too pretty for you
- You aren’t confident/charming/etc. enough
- She already has a boyfriend
- She would leave you if you dated
- She is a “bitch” (incel thoughts right here)
- Expectations
- That she won’t ignore you if you approach her
- That she is open to conversation
- That she is open to romance
From the example above you can see how this view incorporates benign assumptions like her ability to speak languages but can also carry other more challenging beliefs and ideas. One of the most important efforts that a pickup artist can undertake is to identify his or her pre-existing notions around women. This allows you to slowly address the negative thoughts and feelings that are holding you back. In the following sections I address specific negative thoughts and beliefs.
She’s too pretty for you
This is an easy one. Women don’t judge men based on their looks they judge them based on their actions and personality. So, you don’t have to worry about your looks so long as you perform basic grooming and look your best. As a man, you may think of a “type” of woman as a short-haired brunette or something. That’s a visual type and although men think that way women “type” men by their actions and personalities. Thankfully, it’s easier to cultivate a handsome personality than a handsome appearance. Genetics and neuroplasticity are amicable to the formation of an attractive personality regardless of how you look. The goal here is not to become a certain type of personality either – it’s to further explore your basic nature.
You aren’t confident/charming/etc. enough
This one is closer to a rational fear because women do enjoy men who are charming and confident. But confidence and charm come from practice. An experienced pickup artist is confident because (s)he doesn’t care if (s)he is rejected. (s)he is charming because (s)he has practiced the ways in which (s)he uses (s)his words. So, you are simply going to have to push through some of the awkwardness related to this point. But the good news is that socializing more generally with strangers will help your pickup game without those strangers having to be pickup targets.
She already has a boyfriend
This is totally possible. But you can’t know unless you ask.
She would leave you if you dated
Also possible but remember this is why you are learning pickup: you are becoming breakup proof.
She is a “bitch”
This is a catch-all for incel-level thoughts the reduce women to one-dimensional aggressors that conspire to manipulate men. Some women are intentionally mean to men but those will be very obvious. Even those women don’t count as “bitches” because they might have a valid reason for being rude. In any case, the point here is not to say that you can’t dislike a woman’s actions, but don’t reduce that woman to a cartoon villain. If you put yourself mentally in her shoes, you can usually logic out why a woman did something.
In general, it’s import to identify incel thought processes like this concerning women. It’s your responsibility to do the journaling, therapy, whatever, to figure out why you feel so hurt and find a way to let that hurt go.
How to do the work
So how does one go about this healing process? The most important step is to set aside certain women in your life that will just be your female friends. By doing this, you have women in your life whom you can observe impartially. In this way you can begin to understand how women have the exact same issues and struggles in their lives as men. You will begin to see, for example, that maybe that one girl didn’t text you back because she had to work a 10 hour day in the office. You begin to see that girls, no matter how pretty, are still just trying to pay rent and make it to Friday.
Start journaling. Part of the reason I’m writing this website is because it is a journaling exercise for me. As I put down everything I’ve learned from years of pickup, I am able to start seeing higher level patterns. The same is true at the level of the personal journal. Furthermore, there is something truly calming about being able to write your thoughts out. It gives you a space to test out different turns of phrase and ways of considering a problem. In addition, developing verbal mastery is crucial for becoming an effective pickup artist so I recommend that you learn to journal if only to practice your speechcraft.
Start exercising. It doesn’t matter what. But you need to move your body. Doing so will give you a space to slowly work through your negative thoughts about yourself, women, or anything else. I enjoy running because the gym is always so crowded and gross.
Get a therapist. They really are worth it. You often only need to commit 3 to 6 months and the appointments are usually once a month for about an hour. If you work full-time check your company’s employee assistance plan because therapy may be included as a benefit for a certain amount of time.
Conclusion
It’s worth it to cultivate healthy views of women and it’s a prerequisite to being truly irresistible.
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