Many young people in my age cohort are quite familiar with online dating. Despite it becoming more commonplace, the use of Apps to find partners is still a fascinating phenomenon. It exposes many aspects of the human psyche that are usually elided. More to the point, Tinder is a highly emotionally exciting piece of software. Truly a meld of the biological with the technological. I’ve gone around the track a few times with Tinder and I always step back if I feel the App is beginning to impact my self-confidence or my view of the fairer gender. I only come back to the app if I really believe that I have a chance of increasing my ELO score. I’ve had a great time with Tinder not only for the primary focus of the app but more generally because it teaches the skill of presenting oneself online.
In fact, a lot of the skills that make you “successful” on a Dating App like Tinder are in fact good life skills. I point that out because Dating Apps field a lot of hate considering that most people use them religiously.
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.
Dating apps bring to the front of mind several of life’s most fascinating realities
The universe owes you nothing
People judge each other
You’re not attractive if you’re needy
No one owes you a response
Without diverging into the sea of complaints that I and mine have made regarding Tinder, I can promise you that they fall mostly into the above four categories. If you reflect on why you have had bad experiences with dating apps, you may find that these resonate with you as well. I will address each point in order.
The universe owes you nothing
Take a critical look at how you are presenting yourself on dating apps. If you can’t honestly say that you look your best, then can you really expect others to see the best you have?
People judge each other
We have this strange perception in our society that it’s wrong to consider one person more beautiful than another. The social presence of this taboo is directly in opposition to what we all seek: beauty. Without further elaboration, that sentence sounds like I’m telling you to only look for partners who fit the standard western definition of appearance. Rather, I’m recommending that you get clear and specific about what kind of person you want to be with. Stop feeling bad for saying no to those who don’t fit that bill and don’t feel afraid to say yes to those who do.
You’re not attractive if you’re needy
The venerable Mark Manson, Author of Models: Attract Women through Honesty, discusses neediness in depth. Very simply, it is unattractive – more than the biggest booger you’ve ever seen. If you are in a place in your life where you expect a woman to take care of you then you aren’t going to find one. There was a time when I was confused when a woman would stop talking to me (either on an App or in some other context). As I’ve grown, it’s become clear to me that most times when I’ve not continued to get to know a girl, it was because my neediness pushed her away. Fixing neediness is not an easy task and requires a truly in-depth inspection of your life and values.
No one owes you a response
Get over it. If someone stops messaging you just get over it. Give them some time in case they’re busy, but don’t hold on to old matches that haven’t spoken to you in a week. Just accept that they don’t care. In fact, next time the conversation starts to get boring, you should be the one to unmatch first. Stop waiting for other people to make your decisions by default. Don’t waste too much mental energy uncovering why this person lost interest. I recommend that you take one key lesson from each potential partner so as not to overwhelm yourself.
Conclusion
Dating Apps are only difficult because they expose the faults in ourselves. I encourage you to reflect upon the four factors discussed above. Dating in any context is one of life’s great journeys of personal growth and development. Savor the bitterness and embrace vulnerability, the universe awaits.
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